Why Journaling Can Be a Harmful Practice

It can be powerful after regulation

Hi Friends,

I can’t tell you how much I look forward to sharing this week’s newsletter. The Polyvagal Theory concept we’ll discuss today in our What The Nerv section has had the most impact on my life.

This is what’s on deck today:

• We’ll understand the third principle of Polyvagal Theory called Co-regulation.

• You’ll see why Journaling or Writing when dysregulated can be a harmful practice.

• We’ll go through a couple of exercises to put the concept of co-regulation into practice.

But first, let’s do a recap on the first 2 principles of Polyvagal Theory.

1. In the first principle (discussed in Vol.II), we understood that our Nervous System evolved in sequential order, Freeze, Fight or Flight, and Safe and Social, with every state transcending and including the previous state.

2. We explored the concept of Neuroception (discussed in Vol.III), the inner, subconscious surveillance system that scans our environment for cues of safety, danger, or life threats and automatically shifts our nervous system state along the autonomic hierarchy to optimize survival.

Today, we’ll discuss the third principle on which Polyvagal Theory is based. As always, this newsletter will be divided into three segments. You can jump around or return to any segment whenever you need to.

I would love your questions, feedback, or comments. Feel free to leave them in the space below or hit reply to this email.

What The Nerv

Let me introduce you to my Blue Chair 👇🏽

Back when I was constantly living in States of Survival, oscillating between Fight or Flight and Shutdown and Preserve State (also called Freeze), this chair was my only companion.

After my kids and husband would leave for school and work, I’d sit on it for hours, journaling and meditating. But even after months, I didn’t feel any better. I felt worse.

I couldn’t understand why the two most widely recommended practices weren’t working for me. Almost every writing class, writing book, or writing coach I had worked with recommended journaling as a healthy practice to “process your feelings.”

“The page holds everything,” they said.

I had been asked to “write to my inner critic.” So I did. I turned to the “page” when I was sad, hurt, angry, or just plain miserable. My blue chair and the journals sure took the weight but they did nothing to help me feel better. Until I learned the concept of co-regulation.

The third principle of Polyvagal Theory is the need for finding safe connection with others in the experience of co-regulation. In its simplest form, co-regulation means finding safety with another.

This is embedded into our biology. When we come into this world, we are unable to fend for ourselves. We need a caregiver to not only take care of our basic needs (feed and change us) but also to ensure our safety. We feel safe with others with three main cues of safety: prosodic voice (rhythm and intonation), eye contact, and hand & body gestures.

What I didn’t know at the time I turned to my blue chair and an empty page was that it just did not have the necessary cues of safety to help me climb up the polyvagal ladder to a safe and social state.

Polyvagal Theory states that Safety does not mean the removal of threat but is defined by feeling safe (an embodied safety)

This means that if you were being chased by a Grizzly Bear, your Nervous System would surely kick in a survival response; you’d either run or get ready to attack the bear, or you’d freeze. But if I shoot the Grizzly seconds before it’s about to claw at you, aka I remove the danger, your Nervous System will not immediately go back into feeling safe. You’d most likely still be in a state of shock. You would start to shake or even cry (all the ways our body is designed to self-regulate).

But if I come close to you, make eye contact, hold your hand or hug you, speak to you softly, and show you through my eyes, voice, and hand gestures that you are safe, slowly, your Nervous System will regulate back to safety.

On the contrary, if I make you sit on a nice, comfy chair and ask you to journal about your experience, you will stay dysregulated. If you were in a Flight or Fight state, your body would most likely dysregulate further into a Freeze State.

A Freeze State is similar to a rat going numb in the jaws of a cat. It’s nature’s way of preparing for death. That is why I call it the Shutdown and Preserve State. Our biological system in this state moves into a conservation state. We are disconnected, we feel numb. We feel less pain and experience memory loss.

Journaling or writing about our experiences (even trauma) can be a good practice, but only after we have regulated ourselves back to safety, especially in the form of Co-Regulation. Writing as a form of therapy or using writing to regulate ourselves is not only dangerous but can be detrimental when done long-term.

Writing is NOT Therapy. Therapy is Therapy

When we evolved into Mammals, we needed social connection and cues of safety from others, such as warm eyes, prosodic voice, and friendly hand gestures. Our world today is disconnected despite being always connected through social media. The pandemic did not help in isolating us from each other. But our needs haven’t changed.

I had the right tools, but not in the right order. I have been writing Morning Pages now for 5 years, and I rarely miss them. I do think journaling is a great practice and one that I cannot live without, but once I learned that there was a step missing in my Nervous System regulation, I was able to get out of the Freeze State and get back into a Safe and Social State rather than staying stuck in a dysregulated state.

Co-regulation meant that instead of jumping on my blue chair and turning to the “page,” I first went to a person I felt safe with and talked to them. Initially, that safe person for me was my therapist. Slowly, I learned to co-regulate with my husband, my kids, and my friends.

There are three things I noticed when I gave co-regulation a chance:

1. I was able to regulate to a calm and social state quicker, which became the cornerstone of my healing.

2. My relationships with my husband, kids, and friends became so much more enriched.

3. My writing became strong because now I was not using it as a crutch to support me. I wasn’t relying on my writing to regulate me; I was coming to the page regulated, in a safe and social state and that made way for the Muse to rise.

I will say that even though Co-Regulation has been the most impactful tool in my Nervous System arsenal, it has also been the hardest for me to learn. And I truly understand how difficult it is to share our honest feelings with another person. I am a good friend, a competent coach, and a great listener. I know I have the skills, experience, and the heart to help co-regulate another person, whether it’s my husband, kids, friends, or a client. But when it comes down to being the person on the receiving end, it’s freakin’ hard. This is a skill I am still learning and practicing, but because I’ve seen the effects firsthand, I am willing to keep at it. As you, too, begin to understand and embody the concept of Co-Regulation, be gentle with yourself. Know that even though this may go against what we have become used to, it is what our biology demands. Once you start practicing Co-Regulation, your nervous system, and your Muse will thank you for it.

Love Your Nerv

Exercise: The Eight-Minute Catch-Up*

What You Need: A friend or family member you feel safe with

Mutually agree with a friend or a family member that when needed you will reach out to them with a simple statement, “Do you have 8 minutes?” This becomes a “code” symbolizing a safe space where you can openly express vulnerability and seek comfort.

*Refer to this article where the Eight-Minute Catch-Up is mentioned.

Remember that this person needs to be someone you feel safe to express yourself. Maybe this is your therapist. Maybe this is that one friend you are close to. It’s a privilege to be someone’s safe person. Don’t extend it to everyone. Be discerning. This circle can be very, very tiny, and you have every right to take your time to select the people who can be in this circle.

Regulate & Create

There won’t be a Writing Prompt for today. But here’s a challenge for you this week.

You can (and should) do this several times this week, especially when you feel dysregulated. Instead of journaling, writing poetry, or pushing through your manuscript, go through the steps below:

1. Notice and Name Your State (Are you feeling calm or activated?): Refer to this article on the three Nervous System States and notice where you’re at.

   While there are a variety of flavors that exist in these states and can range from calm to ‘crawling out of your skin’ anxiety to disassociation, for now, see if you can make a ballpark assessment of where you are. Do you feel calm and connected (Safe and Social State)? Are you feeling anxious, overwhelmed, angry, fearful, or worried (Fight or Flight)? Or, are you feeling disconnected, numb, stuck, or withdrawn (Freeze)?
   

2. Find a safe nervous system to co-regulate with: Reach out to the person you identified in ‘Love Your Nerv.’
   

3. Journal about your experience only when you feel you’ve regulated yourself enough to feel safe. Notice this doesn’t mean a blissful state. You still might have mild worry or anxiety but it should feel manageable.
   

4. Notice any differences (if any) in how you feel about your writing, your feelings, and your connection with others when you co-regulate before you write.

I can’t stress enough how impactful co-regulation can be when done with a safe nervous system. As I shared in the first article, it is my dream to create a space where we can safely co-regulate each other. Well, it’s gonna happen soon 😉. Watch this space for more.

I want to thank you for reading, engaging, and taking the steps to take care of your Nervous System and, as an extension, your Muse. If you can think of someone who can find this work helpful, please share this post with them.

Until Next Time,

❤️

Deepshikha